Wednesday, May 20, 2015

User Manual for Tess

User Manual for Tess

WARNING:  To guarantee quality of product, please read the user manual fully before continuing.

About Tess:  

Tess has many different roles, depending on user and location.  Tess is a senior at Ferris State University, in the Integrative Studies program.  Tess aspires to become a university professor.  English and Literature are its specialties.  It is programmed to do film and digital photography, and performs best outdoors.  This product is the fiancée of an Englishman, scheduled to be married in October of 2016.  Tess is also mother to a social and intelligent five year old male.  Additionally, Tess is a library specialist, with an emphasis in circulation, at the Grand Rapids Community College Library.  Please note that Tess may function as one or all of these at the same time.

Description of Contents:

Package contents subject to change.  Your Tess comes with the following:

·         stands 5’2” in height
·         pale epidermis, partially marked with freckles
·         tattoos of various size and design
·         one silver nose ring
·         one engagement ring
·         brown and purple hair of medium length, with a fringe over the forehead
·         cup of coffee in the left hand
·         tendency to speak before thinking
·         multiple laughs which are prone to happen for no apparent reason

How to Care for Tess:

While Tess is not extremely high-maintenance, there are requirements in order for it to function properly at all times.  Make sure Tess gets seven to eight hours of rest each night.  Upon awakening, Tess will need an Americano immediately, and will not be able to speak until consuming one.  If Tess is forced to speak beforehand, it cannot be held responsible for what it says.  Tess requires a large breakfast each morning, complete with orange juice for washing it down.  Throughout each day, Tess calls for approximately 60 ounces of fresh water, preferably chilled.  Exercise is recommended.  Activities from yoga to spinning to boot camp classes should suffice.  Please allow for a minimum of thirty minutes of leisurely reading each day.  This product is most contented after all of the former have been followed, when it has received many snuggles from its male offspring, and when it is with its fiancé.    

Troubleshooting for Tess:

Is Your Tess Cranky?

·         Check coffee intake level.  If it is too low, it is recommended that conversation with Tess is kept to a minimum.  An alternative solution would be to provide Tess with more caffeine.  Soda is not acceptable.
·         Ask if Tess is “hangry,” as this is a common malfunction.  If so, please feed immediately.  French fries and cheesecake are common fixes for this problem.
·         Make sure the product had enough rest the night before.  Five hours is the bare minimum that it can function on.

Is Your Tess Sad?

·         Cute baby animals are a short-term fix for sadness in Tess.
·         Find out when Tess’s fiancé was last seen.  As they are located on different continents, it is possible that withdrawal is a factor in Tess’s sadness.
·         If too many responsibilities are given to Tess, and not enough time to take care of them, sadness may ensue.  Please be cautious not to overload.
·         Check that all instructions in the “How to Care for Tess” section have been followed.

Is Your Tess Unresponsive?

On rare occasions, your Tess may become unresponsive.  While the reasons for this may vary, the most common are as follows:

·         Tess has not had enough coffee.
·         Tess has not had enough sleep.
·         Tess has not spent enough time with her loved ones.
·         Tess knows that opening her mouth may get her into trouble.

(I had to write an introduction for my online Advanced Technical Communication class as a set of instructions, in case you're wondering how this came about.) 

-teddy x