User Manual for Tess
©1988
WARNING: To guarantee quality of product, please read
the user manual fully before continuing.
About
Tess:
Tess has many different roles, depending on user
and location. Tess is a senior at Ferris
State University, in the Integrative Studies program. Tess aspires to become a university
professor. English and Literature are
its specialties. It is programmed to do
film and digital photography, and performs best outdoors. This product is the fiancée of an Englishman,
scheduled to be married in October of 2016.
Tess is also mother to a social and intelligent five year old male. Additionally, Tess is a library specialist,
with an emphasis in circulation, at the Grand Rapids Community College Library. Please note that Tess may function as one or
all of these at the same time.
Description
of Contents:
Package contents subject to change. Your Tess comes with the following:
·
stands 5’2” in height
·
pale epidermis, partially
marked with freckles
·
tattoos of various size and
design
·
one silver nose ring
·
one engagement ring
·
brown and purple hair of
medium length, with a fringe over the forehead
·
cup of coffee in the left
hand
·
tendency to speak before
thinking
·
multiple laughs which are
prone to happen for no apparent reason
How
to Care for Tess:
While Tess is not extremely high-maintenance,
there are requirements in order for it to function properly at all times. Make sure Tess gets seven to eight hours of
rest each night. Upon awakening, Tess
will need an Americano immediately, and will not be able to speak until consuming
one. If Tess is forced to speak
beforehand, it cannot be held responsible for what it says. Tess requires a large breakfast each morning,
complete with orange juice for washing it down.
Throughout each day, Tess calls for approximately 60 ounces of fresh
water, preferably chilled. Exercise is recommended. Activities from yoga to spinning to boot camp
classes should suffice. Please allow for
a minimum of thirty minutes of leisurely reading each day. This product is most contented after all of
the former have been followed, when it has received many snuggles from its male
offspring, and when it is with its fiancé.
Troubleshooting
for Tess:
Is
Your Tess Cranky?
·
Check coffee intake level. If it is too low, it is recommended that conversation
with Tess is kept to a minimum. An
alternative solution would be to provide Tess with more caffeine. Soda is not acceptable.
·
Ask if Tess is “hangry,” as
this is a common malfunction. If so,
please feed immediately. French fries
and cheesecake are common fixes for this problem.
·
Make sure the product had
enough rest the night before. Five hours
is the bare minimum that it can function on.
Is
Your Tess Sad?
·
Cute baby animals are a
short-term fix for sadness in Tess.
·
Find out when Tess’s fiancé
was last seen. As they are located on
different continents, it is possible that withdrawal is a factor in Tess’s
sadness.
·
If too many responsibilities
are given to Tess, and not enough time to take care of them, sadness may
ensue. Please be cautious not to
overload.
·
Check that all instructions
in the “How to Care for Tess” section have been followed.
Is
Your Tess Unresponsive?
On rare occasions, your Tess may become
unresponsive. While the reasons for this
may vary, the most common are as follows:
·
Tess has not had enough
coffee.
·
Tess has not had enough
sleep.
·
Tess has not spent enough
time with her loved ones.
·
Tess knows that opening her
mouth may get her into trouble.
(I had to write an introduction for my online Advanced Technical Communication class as a set of instructions, in case you're wondering how this came about.)
-teddy x
